I Admit I Stole This

[gandog56]

But I like it.

Picture this scene on the Eastern Front during 1943:

Senior Sergeant Arlee Ermeyski: All right, you turnip-heads! Line yourselves up next to this crate -- your other left, Muzhik -- and walk down the line. You WILL take a rifle and a bayonet from the first crate. You WILL pick up the bag with the ammo pouch, the stripper clips, and the cleaning kit. Then you WILL fall in on me! MOVE IT, you misbegotten oxen!

Private Ivan Muzhik: But Comrade Sergeant, my rifle is full of grease!

(Ermeyski smacks Muzhik's hat down over his eyes)

Ermeyski: I know that, you used condom! The next step, obviously, is to clean them out so they will shoot the way Comrade Mosin and Comrade Nagant intended them to! Come over here to this cooking pot of boiling water! Remember your serial numbers. If you can't remember it all, the last four digits will do, Muzhik. You can count to four, can't you?

Muzhik: Even up to ten, Comrade Sergeant!

(Ermeyski goes nose to nose with Muzhik)

Ermeyski: If I didn't know that even fascist whores are smart enough to have abortions when they get pregnant, I'd swear you were a German infiltrator sent to disrupt the smooth functioning of the Red Army! GET THAT RIFLE APART RIGHT NOW, YOU REFUGEE FROM A COLLECTIVE FARM!

(The platoon hastily field-strips their rifles.)

Now put the barrels in the BIG pot of boiling water, and the bolts and the magazines in the LITTLE pot of boiling water, if those ideas won't overtax your brains! While they cook, we will go on a nice little five mile run to work up an appetite. MOVE OUT!

Muzhik (aside to his friend Ivanovich): Now I know why the borscht tasted funny last night.

(Senior Sergeant Ermeyski gives Muzhik a very dirty look.)

When the platoon returns from their run, Ermeyski continues instructing his men.

Ermeyski: After you recover your rifle parts, take the cleaning rod and screw the cleaning jag -- the piece with the grooves on the end, Private Muzhik, the one that looks like the harrow you used on the farm -- on the cleaning rod. You will then slide the muzzle protector onto the cleaning rod and put a cotton patch on the jag. Next you put the punch through the hole in the milled end of the cleaning rod to form a handle.

You will then slide the cleaning rod in and out of the muzzle, just the way your father slides his sausage in and out of your mother, Muzhik. Do NOT twist the cleaning rod! Your rifle is more valuable than you are to Comrade General Zhukov and he would not like it if you wore down the muzzle so your bullets don't fly straight.

Muzhik: But Comrade Sergeant, you are always telling us that our rifle is our best and truest girl and we should treat her lovingly. All the girls like it when I twist while I am moving my rod in and out of them!

(Sergeant Ermeyski boots Private Muzhik squarely in the ass.)

Eremyski: Not this one, you worthless pile of horse droppings! She's a good girl and likes it straight! Now get busy! When your patches get dirty, change them! Keep on cleaning until they come back clean.

Muzhik: Then what, Comrade Sergeant?

Ermeyski: That's the first intelligent thing you have said in a week, Muzhik. Very GOOD. Then you soak a patch in gun oil and run it through the bore. Save the oil patch, and run a dry patch through. When you have done that, use the oil patch to wipe down the outside of the barrel and the action.

Muzhik: Then what, Comrade Sergeant?

Eremeyski: You only get credit for saying an intelligent thing ONCE, Muzhik! Then you put the barrel and receiver back into the stock, wipe down the magazine and the follower assembly with that oily patch, put the magazine back into the stock too and screw them back together.

After you get that far, put the handguard back in place. Use the Mosin tool to press down on the barrel band springs so you can get them back into place.

Muzhik: My barrel bands won't slide down the wood, Comrade Sergeant! What do I do now?

Ermeyski (to the skies): I don't know how the drill sergeants at the recruit depots stand it. I honestly don't.

(to Muzhik) Wind up the clockwork that works your brains and tell ME what YOU are going to do about it, you pathetic excuse for a New Soviet Man! You already have the answer!

Muzhik: I'll wipe the handguard and the forearm with the oily patch so the barrel bands will slide down the wood and lock into the barrel band springs, Comrade Sergeant?

Ermeyski: Very GOOD, Muzhik! You win an extra piece of black bread with supper tonight. Now, for a shot of vodka from the Comrade Lieutenant's canteen, what do you do about the bolt?

Muzhik: I take it out of the little pot, let it cool, disassemble it, wipe off any cosmoline the boiling water didn't get, oil it VERY lightly, and reassemble the bolt, being careful to line up the firing pin notch with the line on the safety, Comrade Sergeant? And then put it back into the rifle and see if it opens, closes and fires properly?

(Muzhik proceeds to do what he told his sergeant he would do. The Mosin makes a satisfactory click when the trigger is squeezed.)

Ermeyski: Amazing, Private Muzhik. It does seem that you have managed to disassemble, clean and reassemble your fascist-killing Mosin Nagant rifle correctly. If the Party believed in miracles, I would say we had seen one today.

Muzhik: When do I get the vodka, Comrade Sergeant?

Ermeyski: Right after you steal the Comrade Lieutenant's canteen!

[Junk Yard Dog]

Were exactly did you steal this?

[desdem12]

[bunkysdad]

Wow, that was at least 1/3 of a Kari post!

[etprescottazusa91]

I like it and would also like to know where you got that from? I have to say that is the most interesting first post I have ever seen.

[Rongo]